"ANAM CARA"

“ANAM CARA” – Coaching and Soul Friendship

So…what exactly does Anam Cara mean? Anam is the Gaelic word for soul and Cara means friend. So Anam Cara, in the Celtic world, is the “soul friend.” In the early Celtic church, a person who acted as a teacher, companion, or spiritual guide was called an anam cara. 

Technically speaking, a coach is not meant to offer counsel or advice…that is usually found in the world of therapy or mentoring.  That said, once you've passed all your exams and done all your studying and lost track of how many hours you've actually been coaching, living, breathing, human beings… there are countless times where it's not only appropriate, but necessary that we are able to take off our "coaching hats" and offer some kind of personal experience, opinion, teaching or spiritual guidance.

This it's something you feel and some thing you of course ask permission to do. Your client gets a say in whether you offer more than straight ahead coaching. After two decades of having my own coaching practice, I honestly can't remember a time when a client didn't welcome a personal story or experience from me. I also can't remember a time when it did not invariably deepen the trust, intimacy and communication between us. Most people come into a coaching relationship because there is something missing and a lot of the time that thing that is missing is simply being seen. I find the more I am able to be vulnerable and allow the person I'm working with to see me… the more they are willing to do the same.

We all need to be seen. I think that’s why the movie “Avatar” landed in such a tender place for so many people. Instead of saying “I love you”, they simply looked at each other and said “I see you”. I know for me that unleashed a torrent of ugly crying.  

At the end of the day, I believe my clients are looking for true companionship, without the many complications that come along with friendships and marriages. They are looking to be seen/mirrored with transparency and authenticity…they want the truth. Whether they come to it themselves or whether they give you the permission to tell them a hard truth through the intimate work that you do together.  We ache for this kind of a relationship…this kind of deep soul centered friendship…the one found in an anam cara.

Massimo Pigliucci, a professor of philosophy at City College of New York explores this idea in his book Answers for Aristotle: How Science and Philosophy Can Lead Us to A More Meaningful Life. 

Here’s a quote: “Aristotle’s opinion was that friends hold a mirror up to each other; through that mirror they can see each other in ways that would not otherwise be accessible to them, and it is this mirroring that helps them improve themselves as persons.”

That of course is a huge piece of what coaching offers…access to places in yourself that have been otherwise inaccessible in order to improve and grow.

And all these many years of having my own coaching practice, I’ve learned so much from my clients. Not the least of which is that though they enter the relationship of coach-client looking for a straight ahead “coach”, they end up staying because they allow me to become a soul friend...an anam cara.   I am both honored and humbled by this. I never take it for granted…ever.

I wish for all of you…whether it be with someone you connect with on your own personal growth journey…or whether you find it within certain family or friends…that the Celtic spirit of Anam Cara pulses through the veins of all your most cherished relationships.